Gerry the geriatric. Geraldine if you choose to be more formal.
Upon discharge from my cast-removal appointment at Georgetown Hospital, I was prescribed with several items that essentially suggest I'm an 85 year old woman trapped in the body of an almost 30 year old. Not only did my orthopedist ask me to start taking Glucosamine to help prevent arthritis in my ankle, he also wrote me a prescription for a compression stocking. Upon telling my coworker about Glucosamine, he said he had heard of it before after watching commercials on the golf channel, which is widely viewed by the elder crowd. Between Depends and Cialis, Glucosamine fits right in.
Yes, I'm officially hot and desirable. If you see me walking at .00001 miles an hour down the mean streets of DC with my crutches as canes, sporting my black air cast and a flattering flesh-colored knee-length compression stocking, give me a holler. Cat calls are welcome, too.
More to come on my new ankle, but until then I am happy to be walking and happy that by the time I do turn 85, I'll know what to expect.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Decode THIS
I've run out of steam lately as I am winding down to under two weeks left in this ridiculous cast. I'm just over it. I'm tired of inconveniencing everyone to do even the smallest of activities. I'm tired of the logistical nightmare it is to get around. I'm tired of uncomfortable sleeping. And, I'm tired of my strange dreams. I'm not on any narcotic pain killers or other mind-altering potions, but yet, my dreams as of late have been stranger than strange.
Take last night, for example. I was in a house with some friends and all of a sudden, two grizzly bears appeared. They got up on their hind legs, roared and bared their claws and teeth. Fright and panic set in. We rushed to lock the doors (since these grizzlies had the ability to open and close doors) to keep ourselves safe. The details beyond this get a bit fuzzy. But, I do recall someone finding a rifle and shooting one of the grizzlies. Then the other came back and tried to re-open the door that had come unlocked. BAM. I beat him to it and re-locked it. I think I sprayed Raid on the bear through the window because then it fell down and was writhing below the window.
I kept coming back to see if the bear had died yet, but no luck. Then, oddly enough, the bear started to look more human. It was in pain, but scary still. The house transformed into a sky scraper building, and the bear that was once writhing below the window sill was now writhing on a thin lip of the building. The bear was fully human looking at this point. I then realized I recognized the bear. It was Washington Capitals young buck defenseman John Carlson. I went away hoping this bear-man-Carlson would soon die so we could leave the house without fear of being attacked.
At this point, I started feeling badly for how terribly he was suffering. I hoped he would die soon for his own sake. I checked back and saw him writhe falling off the lip only to grab onto it with one hand and eventually pull himself back up. Damn it, I thought. I snuck out a back door and went in search of the rifle owner to ask him to shoot the bear-man-Carlson to put him out of his misery.
Well, by the time I had gotten back, Carlson had fallen from the lip onto the pavement, but was still alive. So, I called 9-1-1 and was frantically saying how one of the Washington Capital's stars was seriously hurt and needed help fast. They came, revived him and I felt like a hero for saving John Carlson's life.
OK. Someone explain that to me before I check myself into the mental ward. I think it's related to the fact that I've been using a lot of Raid lately to kill winged ants that flood my room when the sun sets. I also saw another mouse running down the basement stairs last night. Oh, and I heard some man screaming on our street around midnight, so I sat up in bed alert for a while thinking he would break in to the house. OK...seems that's the basis for the dream plot, but the cast of characters?! Come on!
Look at this ferocious grizzly. Straight outta my dreams!
Does John Carlson resemble a grizzly bear? No. More like a teddy bear.
Take last night, for example. I was in a house with some friends and all of a sudden, two grizzly bears appeared. They got up on their hind legs, roared and bared their claws and teeth. Fright and panic set in. We rushed to lock the doors (since these grizzlies had the ability to open and close doors) to keep ourselves safe. The details beyond this get a bit fuzzy. But, I do recall someone finding a rifle and shooting one of the grizzlies. Then the other came back and tried to re-open the door that had come unlocked. BAM. I beat him to it and re-locked it. I think I sprayed Raid on the bear through the window because then it fell down and was writhing below the window.
I kept coming back to see if the bear had died yet, but no luck. Then, oddly enough, the bear started to look more human. It was in pain, but scary still. The house transformed into a sky scraper building, and the bear that was once writhing below the window sill was now writhing on a thin lip of the building. The bear was fully human looking at this point. I then realized I recognized the bear. It was Washington Capitals young buck defenseman John Carlson. I went away hoping this bear-man-Carlson would soon die so we could leave the house without fear of being attacked.
At this point, I started feeling badly for how terribly he was suffering. I hoped he would die soon for his own sake. I checked back and saw him writhe falling off the lip only to grab onto it with one hand and eventually pull himself back up. Damn it, I thought. I snuck out a back door and went in search of the rifle owner to ask him to shoot the bear-man-Carlson to put him out of his misery.
Well, by the time I had gotten back, Carlson had fallen from the lip onto the pavement, but was still alive. So, I called 9-1-1 and was frantically saying how one of the Washington Capital's stars was seriously hurt and needed help fast. They came, revived him and I felt like a hero for saving John Carlson's life.
OK. Someone explain that to me before I check myself into the mental ward. I think it's related to the fact that I've been using a lot of Raid lately to kill winged ants that flood my room when the sun sets. I also saw another mouse running down the basement stairs last night. Oh, and I heard some man screaming on our street around midnight, so I sat up in bed alert for a while thinking he would break in to the house. OK...seems that's the basis for the dream plot, but the cast of characters?! Come on!
Look at this ferocious grizzly. Straight outta my dreams!
Does John Carlson resemble a grizzly bear? No. More like a teddy bear.
Ahh, yes, this is more like it!
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